PC/Mac:
Easily the most definitive and best way to play. Graphics are adjustable, mods are supported and the frame rate is the most stable (depending on your PC, 60fps is obtainable.) Easily pirated and Steam keys are sometimes available too. Both seasons supported.
Xbox One/PS4:
Discs are currently at a fair price, episodes are downloadable, game itself runs great, both Seasons playable. No current way to pirate on Xbox One, but the new PS4 hack makes for the game to be easily obtainable. raw_data on Discord informed me that for whatever reason, the PS4 and Xbox One versions have very slight animation improvements for some characters that no other version has. It's very strange, but welcome nevertheless.
Switch:
Game only runs at 720p, targets 60fps, but on Switch 1 it rarely reaches 60fps outside of menus. Switch 2s push a basically locked 60fps with improved loading times, but resolution is still locked to 720p. Many reported save glitches. Piracy is possible on modded Switch 1 consoles. Physical copies are extremely expensive and hard to come by.
Xbox 360:
The game runs similarly to the switch version, but with a fair bit more lag in S2. Episodes are not downloadable for physical copies anymore, so if you want to play S2, you'll either need to run the BadUpdate exploit or an RGH or JTAG mod is needed. Season Two has poor lighting and aliasing. This port is certainly playable, but not that great nevertheless. (Almost makes me wonder how bad the PS3/Wii U S2 ports could've been.)
PS3:
The game is basically identical to the Xbox 360 version, but is choppier in more demanding areas, frequently falling to 20fps, but usually never below that. (PAMA bossfight and 106 credits are an exception.) Season Two is not available for this platform. Physical copies are very cheap (20-30 USD) and piracy is incredibly easy with the EvilNAT/HEN softmod.
Wii U:
Physical copies are still fairly pricey and hard to come by. Game runs at 720p with horrendous frame rate and reported save glitches. I don’t see much reason to play this version apart from if you only have a Wii U. Season Two is not available for this platform. Piracy is easy as pie with Wii U’s TiramisU exploit. (Pun unintended.)
iOS/Android:
Can't really rank on performance due it varying per device, but at best it's performance is a semi-stable mediocre experience. At worst it's a 15fps, low resolution pile of garbage. iOS version is a pain to obtain, and the Android install is time-consuming. Android has fatal issues on more recent devices, with severe texture glitches, sound glitches and crashes.
Apple TV:
Next to no information is known about this version. I could find scarce recordings of this version online. The frame rate is constantly choppy, even in non-demanding areas, and runs at 720p. Although I have no idea if this was a bad recording, or truly how the game runs. Episodes 6-8 and Season Two were never released on Apple TV (what a surprise) and the Apple TV game files are all but lost to time. If you have an Apple TV with the game installed, please contact an owner (credits page) via Reddit, Discord or Gmail.
Netflix/YouTube:
I can’t really rank this version because it tries to be more of a TV show with interactive elements than a proper game. Up against the other versions it seems to be a watered-down mess, but as its own independent entity, it serves well. Graphics are pre-rendered and look cleaner, and the version is available for free on YouTube (Only episodes 1-5 were ever released).